Well … the New England Patriots won #SuperBowlLI, so that means we lost our bet with Roger Williams Park Zoo & Carousel Village. Before the game, our two zoos decided the losing side would name one of their baby animals after the winning team’s star quarterback, and figuring the losing side would be pretty bitter about it, we came to the agreement that baby animal … would be a Madagascar hissing cockroach. So without further ado – Meet our newly-named Program Animal family!
I bet this Atlanta Zoo thinks they’re pretty slick naming a Madagascar hissing cockroach after Tom Brady.
While I’ll admit that they are not the most glamorous of creatures and bear no physical resemblance to the ageless Tom Brady, there are numerous similarities between the two.
First off, that little tiny baby cockroach is the epitome of a 6th round draft pick. Little guy has grit and determination for days. Sure his immeasurables aren’t great but man is he a gym rat. Always clocking in extra hours at his little insect enclosure. Definitely a very similar mental makeup to Tom Brady. I think I can even see a little chip on his shoulder (exoskeleton).
Secondly, Tom Brady is the most feared QB in the NFL, while cockroaches are one of the most feared creatures on planet earth. They both send tingles down their opponents spines and reduce grown men to tears.
Thirdly, both are indestructible. At age 39, Tom Brady was put through the ringer with the idiotic Deflategate controversy, while only managing to stomp on the heads of everyone who stood in his way on the road to a 5th Super Bowl Championship. Did I mention he also orchestrated the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history? Yea he’s a pretty hard guy to take down. Cockroaches are equally indestructible. Have you ever tried to kill one? Impossible. They are one of the few creatures that can survive a nuclear explosion and I will be the first to admit I have never been able to successfully conquer a cockroach in a 1:1 battle.
Then there is the fact that this zoo used a hissing cockroach as Tom Brady’s namesake. Big mistake. As the resident expert on cockroaches at Off the Monster Sports, I am here to inform you that they are one of the world’s largest cockroaches and emit a horrifying hissing sound by rubbing various body parts together. I would be shocked if Tom Brady the cockroach doesn’t regularly release a “LET’S GOOOOOO” warcry like his football playing namesake. It probably reduces all his insect enemies to a puddle of tears. Metaphorical tears that is, insects can’t cry.
So while this Atlanta Zoo thinks that they have weaseled out of their bet with Roger Williams Zoo, what they have really done is create a genetically enhanced insect that will do nothing but try and accomplish whatever the cockroach equivalent to winning five Super Bowls is. My guess would be world domination.
Thanks, Atlanta. You just doomed man kind as we know it.