Patriots QB Tom Brady has been noticeably absent from the team’s OTA’s this week, leading many to speculate the reasons why Brady has not yet shown his perfectly chiseled face at Gillette Stadium.
One theory behind Brady’s absence is that their is a major rift between Tom Brady and Bill Belichick over the restricted privileges of Tom’s personal witch doctor Alex Guerrero.
Another reason is that Tom may be seeking a contract extension that would extend him until the Sun is expected to explode and swallow the Earth whole. This is expected to happen several hundred million years from now and would mark the longest contract extension in NFL history.
However, a source close to the situation has confirmed to Off the Monster Sports that Brady’s absence is actually due to Brady voluntarily deciding to have himself cryogenically frozen until the start of training camp. Here is what the source had to say-
“After the Super Bowl loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, Tom was pretty distraught and started looking into ways to further extend his career. We ultimately decided that we couldn’t just slow down the aging process through the TB12 Method, we had to stop it completely. This is were the idea of cryogenically freezing Tom’s body for roughly six months came into play. That way, by the time training camp rolls around, Tom will physically be just a couple days older than he was after the Super Bowl 52 loss.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Wait a second, I’ve seen Tom Brady make a couple of media appearances this offseason, how is that possible?”. Well this source went on to explain how “Tom” has been able to make these appearances-
“Do you remember that very realistic Tom Brady mask that Wes Welker was seen wearing a couple years ago? Well, we further improved on the realism of that mask by synthetically injecting it with an avocado extract to create an exact replica of Tom’s perfectly smooth and hydrated skin. That’s right. Every time you have seen Tom Brady this offseason, it has been nothing more than a actor wearing a mask.”
I suppose you are now wondering who the actor who has been imitating Brady for all these months has been, and this folks is where the story gets pretty crazy-
“The last part of this equation that we needed to solve was finding a handsome and talented actor who would be dedicated enough to imitate Tom for six months, while the real Brady is in his frozen slumber. Now some famous Boston actors were chomping at the bit to take the role. However, Mark Wahlberg was too short, Ben Affleck was too fat, and Matt Damon was too busy writing Good Will Hunting 2: The Huntinging. Because of this we had to get creative and reached out to notorious Eagles fan Bradley Cooper. Wouldn’t you know it, but Cooper was so over the moon at the Eagles Super Bowl victory that he took the part, as he felt he owed Tom a favor.”
So there you have it folks, a bizarrely complicated and in depth look as to why Tom Brady has yet to appear at OTA’s.