Howdy folks, let me first introduce myself, seeing as I’m the new face around here. I’m Scout Troy- evaluator of pro sporting talent. For many years (too many to count, but like, a lot) I’ve been combining an understanding of complex data, a keen eye for skill and a constant desire to judge others to climb the scouting ladder. Not only can I do all the things I just mentioned, but I also happen to have a knack for turning all that complex mumbo jumbo into easy-to-digest analysis for people just like you. When you think about it, it’s practically science. I peddle in draft grades, big boards, power rankings and hot takes- kinda like ESPN Insider, but without the need to remember the password to your friend’s account.
I can’t speak about the exact organizations that have employed me, but let’s just say I’ve been around plenty of front offices. After all, front offices are usually the ones closest to the door. This Scout has wandered into many an office building in search of a GM’s hideout in the first space . If I find one, I can hand over my notebooks and scouting binders to the head honcho and the rest will fall into place. For now, I’ve decided to jot down some of my thoughts and share them on the internet before I’m a bigtime exec calling in picks at Radio City Music Hall (the draft will return there, have faith). Recently, I’ve honed in on a popular social media scandal with some juicy details that have yet to be exposed.
Bryan Colangelo, vaunted general manager of the up-and-coming Philadelphia 76ers, finds himself at the heart of a Twitter burner conglomerate that threatens both his job and, more importantly, integrity in the biz. The discovery of five rogue accounts that seemingly belonged to Colangelo was brought to light by a report from The Ringer on May 29th. Since then, Colangelo has tried his damndest to save face, claiming that only one of the accounts was his, then eventually backtracking on that claim and laying a trail of breadcrumbs to his wife in what he must have thought would come off as a classic “can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em” gag that would further endear him to the Philly faithful.
Quite the contrary, this move has fans and major figures around the NBA alike stewing with rage. One of my anonymous sources has already labeled Colangelo “toxic sludge” while another indulged that members of his staff have been using the nickname “Brutal Bry” around the office for some days. Whatever you call him, the stink of lies was obvious to all who could grab a whiff of the duplicitous executive.
While most seemed content to let the son of former Executive of the Year Jerry Colangelo rest with his crown of thorny accounts, I vowed to dig deeper. There was more to this story, I could feel it in my bones. I especially felt the discomfort in my knee, coincidentally the same one I blew out when on the verge of going pro back in the 80’s. But enough about that. Here are a list of suspicious accounts I’ve cultivated by applying the very same algorithms used to link the first batch.
- Eric Trump (@EricTrump)- We already know how Colangelo loves sons named Eric after his “Eric Jr.” account turned out to be one of the most salacious and talkative of the group. “Eric Trump”, as he’s called, masquerades as a run-of-the-mill President’s son with considerable wealth. Though he may seem innocent to his 2.2 million followers at first, a deeper dive leads one to see consistent use of the word “fake” in association with Trump and the accounts with whom he interacts most. This can only be explained as Colangelo venting to clear a guilty conscience that he is flooding the public with fake personas. There’s nothing like the catharsis of Twitter.
- Big Collar (@BigCollar)- The genesis of this one is obvious- Colangelo has an infatuation with over-sized shirt collars, and one of his accounts even went so far as to publicly defend his draconian fashion choices, claiming “that is a normal collar. Find a new slant” -@EnoughUnknownso1. We all know based on a quick Google image search that there is simply no way this could be true. Since Colangelo has an apparent infatuation with button downs that better resemble draconian neck shields, I’ve flagged this handle as suspicious. It hasn’t tweeted since its inception since 2011, but has created 20 empty lists all titled “Big”. Might we be hiding something? Check back on this one often.
- ESPN_NoSources (@ESPN_nosources)- What does Bryan Colangelo hate more than anything? That’s right, unknown sources. As a connected industry pro who identifies with source culture, I’ve been careful to bolt all three locks on my apartment door and keep my sidearm close at hand in case any would-be hitmen attempt to pull one over on me while I sleep. But is this the ole’ “methinks the lady doth protesteth too much?” If you hate sources so much, why tweet from an account that is called @enoughunknownso1 and relive the pain of thinking about unknown sources every day? How can any sane man function with the immeasurable weight of anonymous sources on his soul? Deep down, there can only be one conclusion- Bryan Colangelo wants to be one of us, someone who is sought out for info and trusted so highly that their name need not be attached to their gripping analysis. The ESPN_NoSources account has tweeted only once, painting the sordid picture of a cameraman from the Worldwide Leader going about his duties without pants. Surprise surprise, the report was unsubstantiated. Might Colangelo think this lukewarm take deserves to travel far and wide like the proverbial plastic bag in the wind? There’s only one way to find out. Hop on this tweet and spread it across the web. Perhaps it can divert attention and save Bryan Colangelo. If not, pour one out for Brutal Bry. In a matter of days, social media has taken him from the captain of one of the best ships in basketball to laying on a professional deathbed.
— ESPN_NoSources (@ESPN_NoSources) September 8, 2015
My investigation remains ongoing. Please follow @TroyTerrific on Twitter and slide ever-so-gently into the DM’s with any tips.